A huge puzzle piece

Have you ever had a moment in your life when a huge piece of your past just slipped into place? Like a huge missing piece of the puzzle just ::snick:: fell into the hole?

My brother is 4 1/2 years older than I am. To say we are not close is an understatement. In fact, he was just plain mean to me growing up. I know what you are thinking. "All big brothers are mean," No, no you don't get it. He was no big brother to me. There was no protective air about him towards me, just a loathing I never understood. He was just...not there. And when he was there, he was cruel. Because of this we hardly ever talk now. It is pretty awkward at family gatherings when everyone hugs each other but us. We are civil, but that's about it. We just have never seen eye to eye on anything.

I got a call from him the other night. He started off by saying that he needed to say something. That he knew it was bad between us and he needed to tell me why. He said he often chickened out when we were together and could never catch me alone. So he began to tell me some things. He told me that when we were little and we would be playing, my mom would come in and ask us what we were doing. All the time. When we would say nothing or playing, she would send him off to do chores, like clean his room. All the time. Every time we would play together. I vaguely remember this. He also said that when we were super little like 2 and 6, we got into the mud so he put us both into the shower so we would not get in trouble. He got in major trouble for that one. He didn't understand why. Our parents were very strict with us. We got in trouble a whole lot for things that were no big deal or that were accidents. He soon realized when he was about 8 that our parents did not want him around me. I would have been 4 and just starting to get to the age when I was aware of things and I remember things about that time now. He realized that every time he came around me he would either get in trouble or have to do chores. He didn't understand why but he did know he didn't want to be in trouble all the time. So he just gave up on me. He gave up playing with me, getting to know me, he just gave up.

I never knew any of this. I always wondered what I had done to make him hate me so. It was a constant thought in the corners of my mind. I thought maybe he was mad because I was born.

It was only years later when we were teenagers that we found out my mom was sexually abused by her brother. It didn't mean much to me, but it totally made it all make sense to my brother. By that time, it was too late. We were both a far cry from the kids we were.

So he called me to tell me this...to explain why things were that way when we were little...to explain that I did nothing wrong...that it was not my fault things were so bad between us.

And a huge gaping hole just closed up tight. A huge piece of my childhood fell into place. A gushing wound was stopped. I don't think he will ever understand what a difference this has made in my life. What a quiet I have in those corners of my mind, they hum with peace and understanding now.

It has made all the difference between us.

I finally have a big brother...31 years later.

Lady S

Thoughts on my Divorce : Part 3

At first I hated his new girlfriend. How dare he pick someone nice? How dare she be with him? Why is she good enough, but I wasn't?? Then as I got to know her, I started to like her. She is actually so so great to MM and I know that she is why he gets him more often. I tried to give her the credit one time, but he acted all insulted that I was saying he never got him before...asshole. I like her. I really really do. I think she is great for MM and may be good for the Ex. He is still a lier. He even admitted to me that he lies to her...stupid loser. Which bothers me because I know he has lied to her about our past and I wonder how she feels about me. Stupid, I know. But I wonder if he has told her that I kicked him out and never let him see MM? That I was the reason he never saw him or he told her he did see him a lot? I wonder if she knows the truth about our marriage and the truth about us.

OK, here comes the whiny part...

~It is not fair that he lives in a big huge house that is hers.
~It is not fair that they can go all over the world to travel.
~It is not fair that MM does not remember how great Mac was to him and how utterly crappy his dad was to him. He sometimes resents Mac for being here instead of his dad. And dang if I can't tell him his dad is an asshole who left us.
~It is not fair that I have poured myself into the first 5 years of MM's life all by myself and now that he is aware, his dad gets part of the credit.

Can't he have some suffering please?? I mean, is that too much too ask??

And most of all...
~It is not fair that they are taking MM to Disney this January.
This is a rite of passage for a child. Mac and I should be the ones to take him. We are broken hearted but for MM's sake, we are letting him go because...well...it's Disney. Who says no to Disney?

And on a totally different level of pain that started this whole rant...
~It is not fair that they got pregnant in 2 months when Mac and I had to go through IVF.

What happened to no more kids? Why is he ready to be a dad to this child but couldn't be there for me and MM?

I really am in a better place now and I am so much happier with Mac than I could have ever been with the Ex, but this hurts. Why does he get to start over? With the perfect family?

Ugh!! It brings out all the hate that I feel toward him that I haven't felt in a long time. I am mostly indifferent toward him, but this has really gotten to me. I don't want MM to have any siblings that are not tied to me. I don't want him to love them more than us. It is all fun and games over there. It is true life here with bedtimes, homework, discipline and everyday crap.

I came from an upbringing of zero divorce...zero step-parents, step-siblings, step-anything. No one in my family had ever been divorced. It has truly rocked me to my core and I hate it.

I've got to stop now. I can't let this get to me. It has helped a little to get it out but also made it a little more real. It is just so raw. Hopefully now I can start to get over it.

Lady S

Thoughts on my Divorce : Part 2

I remember when she said those words to me that I paced around my apartment. She was sending him over to me to talk and I was so ready.

I welcomed him back with open arms, but my heart was not so open. I was cautious, as I should have been. He said he was sorry and we tried to move forward. We moved into a rent house for a fresh start. He took on half the bills. Promised he would never ever left us again, but there were so many obstacles in our path.

1. He wanted to wipe out the last year and a half and start from when he left. It just wasn't that simple. He was trying to put a band-aid on a broken leg.

2. I was a different person. The life we were leading was not good enough for me anymore. I wanted a true partner in love and life, including finances. I had tasted a little bit of what I wanted in a life partner and was no longer willing to settle.

3. There was no true repentance from him. If it was me I would have been asking him every day what I could do to help him to trust me, to believe in me, to believe in us again. He truly thought I should just get over it and start fresh.

4. Old habits die hard
He continued to lie to me...a lot. About stupid things and not so stupid things.
And I started to doubt him, question him, and check up on him.

5. And the nail in the coffin...I had dated someone very close to him...secretly...behind his back for 9 months. He just couldn't get over it.

But we tried...we so so tried...but as much as we both wanted it to work...for us...for MM...it was just too far gone. There would have been some major work ahead of us. I was willing, he was not. We made it 4 months before he decided once again to leave. This time I knew that it was for the best but it still hurt like hell. In many ways it was worse than the first time. The thing was I was not happy. But I would have stayed. I would have given up my own happiness to have us together. Probably not the right choice, but I would have swam across the deepest of oceans to keep my family together.

I hated being a statistic. I hated that my son was going to have to be shared between us. I hated that I would have a different last name than MM. I hated everything about it.

After he left I found out that he did not pay his half of his bills like he said he would. I also moved into this house with him to start fresh; a house I could not afford on my own. We had been in it maybe a month when he left. Our landlord dropped the price so I could stay. I gave him months to get his stuff out and he never did, so I sold it on Ebay to cover the bills. It was the only way I made it through.

In the 3 years since then I have found out some surprising things about him. He doesn't want to be a dad to my son. He wants to be a big brother. You know that program Big Brothers and Big Sisters? Yeah, that's him. He gets him when it is convenient for him. Months would go by between visits and phone calls. He never had to be a parent to him. Never had to clean up throw up or diarrhea or sickness of any kind, never had to deal with taking his pacifier away or potty training or bad dreams or temper tantrums or any parenting things. I am just glad MM was too young to notice. He would probably be shocked at these words. I am sure he paints a totally different picture of things.

That's another thing I found out. He is a pathological lier. He can't not lie! It is just in there somehow. See, I still spoke to his mom and family so they knew the truth and when he was lying to them about me. I hate lying...HATE IT!! He would lie so many times to make himself look better than he is...hate that about him...to this day he still does it.

There were a few girlfriends along the way, in which he would be better about getting him. I guess so he could portray himself to be a better dad. I liked all of them ok. Why? because they were so not like me...one was mousy and oh so quiet...one was an all out 10 year younger hoe (ho?)...one was a little like me but he cheated on her with the ho so that ended before it got serious. During this time he told me he didn't want more kids. That he was selfich and needed time for himself. Ummm, you think?

Then came the current one. Who is nice, beautiful, rich, and...well...wonderful.

To Be Continued...

Thoughts on my divorce

I started this blog for me. I have neglected it, just as I feel I am neglecting myself right now, but what do you do when you have 3 kids, two of whom are 6 month old twins?? a house to care for, a budget to worry over, and a husband to pamper because he is just the most wonderful thing ever...I think that I need to come here and write what I am feeling but then I worry that I am sounding whiny. Well...I may just come across that way for awhile. It is not what I want to end up being but maybe what I need right now. There will be random posts of random things coming out randomly from my random brain. Got that?

I have started this post a thousand times. I hate that I even need to speak of it, but I need to get it out. It's going to be long...

My ex...
ex what??
ex-husband
ex-love
ex-friend
my ex-world got married in October and his wife is pregnant...

He has been gone since Motor Mouth was 8 months old. He left half way through our 7th year of marriage. We were the couple that everyone envied. All my friends thought I had the best husband ever...and so did I. Sure, things weren't perfect but nothing is, right? The thing about it was...I married for forever. Period. End of story. In all of our years of marriage we never even uttered the word divorce until I asked him the morning he left if he wanted one, to which he replied, "I don't know." But he did. He knew it was over. I didn't. Not by a long shot.

We had decided after MM was born to move in with my parents and pay off bills for a year so we could get a house. Things were very stressful that year; living with my parents, an infant, both of us driving 60 miles to work 1 way every day. But I thought it was just one of those rough years you make it through and come out the other side stronger. Yeah no, not so much. I thought nothing could tear us apart. We were going to make it.

When he left that morning in January, my world fell from beneath me. It left me completely, utterly falling into space. This was not supposed to happen to us...not to us. My love...was telling me he didn't want me anymore. The one who knew me best, every fault, every flaw, every fiber of my being, was rejecting me. Was telling me that he no longer wanted to be married to me. No longer wanted our famliy...no longer wanted our hopes and dreams...no longer wanted our little girl we had planned for next...no longer wanted me.

Surprisingly, I was strong through it all. I felt like I had to be. Everyone around us was devastated; my family who looked at him like a son and brother, his family who was losing me, our friends who so often asked us for relationship advice, my friends who loved him...they were all in utter shock at what was happening before our eyes. Sure, they saw my sadness, my mouth that no longer laughed, my eyes that would fill with tears way too easily, my body as I literally melted before them by losing 50 pounds in a few months. But they never heard the gut wrenching sobs that would overtake me as I lay in my now cold bed reaching toward his empty pillow. I felt like he had died and I often wonder if it would have been easier if he did.

He never could give me a straight answer why it didn't work. It's my fault, of course. I treated him like a child. Which I am sure I did...since he acted like one much of the time. I had to be the grown-up in the relationship. I took care of the bills, the cars, the business side of everything, plus all the housework. I often felt like his mom, so I am sure I treated him as such. But we could have worked through it. The day he left was the first time I realized just how seriously unhappy he was. Too little too late. Could I have done things differently?? Sure, but who knows if it would have been enough. He had quit on the marriage long before he left. He was a pretty good actor, I will give him that. He was having an affair with a co-worker which he lied to me about even after he left. In fact, I found out a wealth of lies that he told during that time. So much that I stopped believing anything he said to me.

I got over it...it was tough for a long time, but I went to counseling and had a wealth of friends to support me. I moved out on my own shortly after he left and began my new life. After 4 months, I filed for divorce and we signed our papers on our 8th anniversary. Hah!! Talk about weird. But I moved on. I healed. I still mourned for the death of my dreams of a perfect family. But for the most part I had accepted this new phase of my life.


Then a year and a half after he left I got a phone call from a close friend of both me and my ex. I will never forget those words she said, "Your Ex just walked in and said that he made the biggest mistake of his life."

To Be Continued
because it is 12:30 a.m.

I miss this

I have missed this so much! I have been so good about updating my family blog. I thought I might be able to take care of both, but nope!

I am sitting here waiting for my ex to bring my son back. I hate that I have to share him for the holidays. I hate that there is another whole part of his life that I am not apart of. Ugh!

I will try to get on here more. I have so much that needs to come on out.

Lady S

Week from...well...you know

It has been a hell of a week around here. Both girls and I have been sick, yucky yucky sick. Thank you for coming back again and again. I will back into the swing of things. Promise!

Lady S

Not Me Mondays

~I did not forget to post yesterday only on the 2nd flippin' day of the challenge.

~I did not spend the day yesterday on the computer and cutting coupons while Mac did daddy duty all day long.

~I did not let the cashier use the "save now" coupons she tore off my biscuit cans in addition to the coupons I already handed her for them.

~I did not return inside the store to get my .55 cents refund for bringing in cloth bags that they forgot to give me.

~I did not put my twins in their swing this morning for their naps so I could blog.

~I did not almost leave my son's note to the tooth fairy out after I replaced it with money.
Oh, that would have been bad bad.

~I did not adjust the balance on our Quicken account to show it balanced with the bank. Nope, not me.

~I did not pour kitty treats into my cat's bowl because we are out of cat food. I will get it tonight Allie, I promise!!

~I did not drive 2 hours to my friend's son's bday party. And I did not ask her to go over to her house afterward under the impression that I needed to pick up those toys she set aside for me. And I did not really go to get seashells from our vacation together 5 years ago. And I was not deeply disappointed when she didn't know where they were.

~And finally I have not been listening to my little Vea fuss for about 5 mins so I could finish this.

Lady S

National Blog Posting Month

I know, I know...

::hiding behind my hands::

I haven't been as good about updating this blog as I want. So here is something that will help me...


National Blog Posting Month, which means 30 posts in 30 days of November. I have to do better right??

I have been wanting to tell the story of my divorce and this is a perfect time to do it. So it begins tomorrow. Let's have fun with it shall we? Come join...

Lady S

Book Reviews

I am so far behind in my book reviews! You prolly think I am still reading the dragon book. Nope! I finished that one in 4 days and that was s l o w for me.

So here they are...the ones I have finished since I last posted a review.

Ok, this one was good to read. I was about 2 3rds of the way through when it picked up so good that I had trouble putting it down. We found out a whole heck of a lot about Eragon, the main character and his lineage and other mysteries were solved regarding his enemy also. It was good. I can't wait for the next one. And isn't that the way you know a book is good?

No tears in this one, but maybe a lump or two.




Oh, man. I was skeptical when I started this one because of the plot. An alien host gets put into humans and the host body fights it off?? Too wierd for me...but dang if it didn't suck me in. By the end of the first chapter I was hooked. And Meyer does such a great job at creating a whole world here that exists perfectly within the story. This would so make a great movie.

I cried about 3 kleenex worth. It was very moving in parts and downright sad in others. I am a huge sap though.







Next was this one. I did not like this one. It is about a couple that has decided they don't want children, but then the guy changes his mind. The woman tells him to choose between her and a kid and he chooses to leave. Oy!! You know, I lived the whole divorce thing, I surely don't want to read about it in my down time. Everything ended up happily ever after, but I did not like the story, which is making it hard to pick up the other one by this author "Love the One Your With". I may have to move that one off my list.

I cried about 1 hanky's worth but only because it made me think of my own experience.






I have to admit, I did not like this one at first either. I HATE lies and people who tell them. I especially hate people who tell lies only to make themselves look better. ::cough coughmyexcough cough:: So I could not identify with this character at all because that is what she does all the time. She has no redeeming qualities about her. I did like how she got to solve a little mystery there at the end and how Luke ended up being her man. But again, I am a sap.


She's growing on me. I chuckled several times reading this one. Again, the little mystery was good to read about. I did not enjoy reading about her getting herself into trouble again. And didn't we all just know that Luke was going to show up with the scarf?? Predictable but a nice turn your brain off read.



I am reading this one right now and really enjoying it. I am actually taking this one slow since I have blazed through all the rest so fast.







I half way read-skimmed this one and need to go back and read it again. I got the jist of it and like it better than the shopaholic series. I will go back and really read it all the way through and give a full review of it later.





So I only have like 4 books left to read not counting the one I am on now. I am def going to have to add more to my list. I knew it wouldn't be enough, but I thought I could slow down a little, but nope!! Any suggestions of what I can add? I want fun, light reads, no haunting disturbing stories. Geez, who wants to read disturbing things!? I would like to go back and read some of Oprah's book club picks like "The Secret Life of Bees" or "She's Come Undone".

Suggestions anyone??

Lady S

New Home

Some of you might be finding me for the first time here at my new home. Some may be following me from my old address. If so, then thank you for your patience with me. Be sure to become a follower again. This is my new home away from my regular family blog. If you follow my family blog, you are more than welcome to follow this blog, unless you know me in real life. BUT if you follow this blog, but don't know my family blog, then that's the way it will stay. Follow that? See, this is my escape from real life. Where I can blog about my neighbors, my ex, my husband, my kids, my kids teachers, old boyfriends, my sex life (!!) without burning bridges or totally traumatizing people who know me in real life. I mean, my Aunt Sue reads my family blog. I can't very well talk about how Mac and I tried out a new toy last night and it was fab-lu-lous without sending her running away screaming.

So, come follow me! See that little place right over there to the right? Right there. Follow me so I know how many people are reading. Make my day by leaving a comment. We all know how much we lurve to get comments. It makes us feel special. You know it does!

AND...if you do know me in real life and you have somehow stumbled upon this blog, then don't hold anything you read here against me. And for the love of God, don't bring up the toy at the next family reunion, m'kay?

Lady S

ABCs of Me

Got this from Deb's blog. Hilariously funny. Go check her out...

A is for age: 31

B is for burger of choice: Burger Street - with cheese, mayo, ketchup, lettuce, tomato, pickles, curly fries on the side with lots of ketchup, with a large cherry coke lots of ice. Great now I'm hungry.

C is for the car I drive: 2006 Kia Sorento - too small for our growing family!

D is for your dog's name: Childhood Dog - Maggie

E is for essential item you use every day: swing for my babies

F is for favorite TV show at the moment: Ooo, just one?? Ummm....Survivor

And do you want to know why?? right here...Le Pante

G is for favorite game: Again, just 1?? We are game lovers...but I pick...um umm umm Pit

H is for home state: Texas - Whoo-hoo!!

I is for instruments you play: Beginners Piano and the French Horn

J is for favorite juice: Apple

K is for whose bum you'd like to kick: Ex - for no other reason than he is alive

L is for last restaurant at which you ate: Texas de Brazil (weeks and weeks ago ::sigh::)

M is for your favorite Muppet: Statler And Waldorf they were really one character, don't you think?

N is for number of piercings: 4 in ears, but the second ones have pretty much grown in.

O is for overnight hospital stays: 2 - one for each c-section birth of my children

P is for people you were with today: Mac, Motor Mouth, Vea, Bea

Q is for what you do with your quiet time: Right now in my life - Sleep (Oh heavenly sleep)

R is for biggest regret: Thinking it was ok to get a little friendly with a married man. Just so you know, it's not.

S is for status: Married to the most wonderful man

T is for time you woke up today: 7:00 thanks to the wonderful Vea

U is for what you consider unique about yourself: I feel things deeply

V is for vegetable you love: Squash

W is for worst habit: Starting a project then quitting before it's finished

X is for x-rays you've had: Oh Lord, so many plus MRIs, CT scans; ankles, kidneys, shoulder, lungs, heart, neck for chiro, hmmm...prolly forgetting some.

Y is for yummy food you ate today: It's early so just cereal so far, oh, plus that rice crispy treat...and that snack bag of cookies...sigh

Z is for zodiac: Cancer - the crab and yes, I am at times.

Oh this was fun. If you decide to do it yourself, let me know so I can come read it.

Lady S

Family Drama

Dear psycho witch crazy best friend sister girl who came to live with my parents,

I have ignored a lot over the last 17 years. I have said nothing and just listened to mom go on and on about your antics. I have to address this.

You said my mom has emotionally abused you since you were 14.

Oh, let's see here. Which of these events can be seen as abuse? Let's run through them shall, we??

Was it when she welcomed you with open arms into her home as another daughter when your own mother beat you? When she signed the papers to become your legal guardian? When she re-decorated your room however you wanted so you would feel like it was truly your home?

Was it when you were a junior in high school and decided to get married? When she told you that she would support you in whatever you wanted and pay for your wedding if you waited 7 months until that summer? When you moved back to your real mom's just so she would sign the papers for you to get married at 15? When you broke her heart into a million pieces when you left?

Was it when you gave birth to your first child at 16 and she boasted about her first grandchild? When she loved that child to distraction?

Was it when you married husband #2 and she paid for and did everything for your whole wedding? When you gave birth to son #2 at 18 and she welcomed her 2nd grandchild into the world?

Was it when she paid for your rent, utilities, and tuition to go to Paralegal school when husband #2 turned psyco? When you decided that being a paralegal "just wasn't your thing"?

Was it when you and husband #3 wanted to move onto her land, her father's land, so she gave you 4 acres? Or was it when she had to buy that land back from the bank when you filed for bankruptcy and you didn't put the bank loan on it? WHEN SHE HAD TO BUY BACK HER OWN LAND??

Was it when the people came to repossess your mobile home that had been sitting empty for months and they tossed your crap that you had left in it out the back door? And she had to clean up your garbage and crap and filth that had been sitting inside your home for months?

Or was it when you cheated on husband #3 and he took your son #3 with him and you let him(!!) because he wasn't good enough for you anymore (note: he was the best thing that ever happened to you) and she stood by you still?

Was it when she paid for your kids clothes, toys, furniture, food or anything else you might not be able to provide for them?

Was it when you moved 1000s of miles away with husband #4 and let your 2 Elementary school kids come home from school to an empty apartment with no phone to call for help if they needed it? When she paid for a cell phone for them to have because she worried to death about them?

Was it when you moved back and she watched your 2 oldest kids everyday of the summer so wouldn't have to stay home by themselves? When she took them to work with her?

Was it when son #1 decided he couldn't take your abuse anymore and moved in with his dad?

Or was it when you decided that she (or anyone else in our family) shouldn't see your son #2 because we have too much drama in our family? Ummm...YOU are the drama!! Our lives would have been pretty dull if not for you and we would have been fine with that. We haven't seen or heard from him in over a year??

Is it when you won't let your son #2 see his own brother because you think he might tell him something about our family missing him?

You selfish, lying, piece of dirt...tell me which of those events consists of emotional abuse. I would really like to know. Oh I see now, they all point to emotional abuse. Too bad you can't see that it is pointing right from you.

signed,
your sister best friend my mom's advocate

Name Game

September 26th
I got this from my friend Deb's blog and then I found a few more to add to it from Monica's blog. Thanks for the fun, you guys!!

The Name Game

1.Your real name: ??

2. Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Maggie Kia

3. Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Vanilla Flip Flop

4. Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Blue Otter

5. Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Cindi Irving (me like!)

6. Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Pucsa

7. Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Pink Martini

8. NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Robert Walter

9. Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Light Blue Twix (HA! That actually sounds like a real dancer's name)

10. TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Swan Sacremento

11. Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Independence(Day)Tulip

12. Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Watermelon Skirt

13. Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Oatmeal Willow (that's a cool one too!)

14. Movie star name (first pet's name, first street where you lived): Maggie County Road 311 (Hmmm...I don't think so)

15. Gansta name: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle.): Ladizzle

16. Iraqi name: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your last name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letterof your moms first name): Acpalje or better known as Gobbledeegook

17. Witness protection name: (parents middle names): Elizabeth Donald

18. Goth name: (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Ally (cool!)

Lady S

Back to back book reviews

Since I was already reading Into the Fire before Fall Reading started I finished it up quickly so I could delve into the others. If you are a Suzanne Brockmann fan then this book will not disappoint you. I have been following her since 1996 when she came out with her Tall, Dark, and Dangerous series about Navy Seals. Oh, man these are good books. But you can't just pick up this book and start in on it because there are so many back stories here. Get the rest of this series on Ebay or whatever you have to do to catch up. It is def worth it. They go way beyond your normal romance novels. She stays with the same group of characters so you don't have to say goodbye to them after you finish the book up. And since I didn't cry reading this, it gets 0 on the kleenex scale.

OK, I was super excited about getting into this book. Stephanie Myers recommended it. I have read and loved this author's Overlander series. This book was depressing. No ifs ands or buts about it. When you start reading you wonder how it can possibly end well. And then you know it can't. It is a well written story. I just didn't like the story. Near the end she throws this weird series of events that is so far in left field that it just seemed too much. This will be a trilogy and I will probably read it but I don't recommend it. It will leave pictures in your mind. It has occupied my thoughts since I finished it. I cried one time so I give it 1 kleenex.


Up next is...

Lady S

Fall Into Reading 2008

Oh Goodie!! Over at Callapidder Days Katrina is hosting Fall into Reading again this year. I am all over this!! I lurv to read and I am a super fast reader, like I finished the last Harry Potter book in 2 days, fast and the one before that in 1 day. Not to brag because it is not a good thing sometimes. I tend to lose little details in order to just.get.it.finished! But with this challenge I am also going to slow down a bit so I can get all the details. I am super excited about this. Not only because I love to read but I get to go find out what other people are reading too and get some good ideas.

So here is my list for this Fall:

I am hoping these will last me the whole time. I am probably going to be adding more as I finish these and since I will be getting good ideas from others. Join me in this reading challenge!!

Lady S

The Mystery of the Note

I discovered something as I was writing in one of my many notepads this last week. First let me give you a little background about me and my notepads

I am a notepadaholic. Every time I go to the store and see a pretty notepad with a flower or a ladybug on it, I HAVE to get it. I have maybe 10 notepads that are pretty and...empty. But let me tell you. If I came across these at the store...

It wouldn't matter if I had 20 at home, I would again HAVE to get them and I just might get the matching pens to go with them. Although I would probably leave them in order to justify getting the notepads. I would say to myself that I am being so good about leaving the pens that the notepads are just a given.

All this to say, I have no idea how long I have had this notepad. It could have been 10 years for all I know, but I don't think so. I really thought I only had this pad for about 5 years. Anyway, I flipped to a clean, fresh, middle-of-the-notepad page and I see a note written.

Whenever you read this
know that wherever I am
that I am thinking of you.

Aww, how sweet of Mac to write a note to me that he knew I would come across one day. Yeah, but see...It wasn't Mac's handwriting. Hmmm...And I found that out the hard way by thanking him for it. You can imagine how that conversation went:

Me: Thanks honey for the note you wrote me in my blue notepad. It was so sweet how you wrote it knowing I would sometime come across it.
Mac: huh?
::Silence:: because now I have a sinking feeling that this is not his
Me: Didn't you write me a note that says blah blah, (everything it says...)
Mac: I didn't write that
Me: Oh...well ok, seeyouwhenyougethomebyebye

We actually laughed about it later, but he pretended to stomp around for awhile. He asked who it could be from then jokingly said, "You know, which 1 of the many." He thinks he is SO funny!
There weren't many; just 3 who actually were around enough to do this. That's not many, is it? I think no.

As I sit and examine the handwriting I am thinking it could be from my ex, but did he write his I's like that? Chances are it is, but it is so out of character for him. I would have found it earlier if it was before he left the first time (Oh, yes, there was more than once, details for another post, another time). It could be from the guy I dated after my ex. We'll just call him Army. In fact, as I study it further (because in my OCD self I cannot just throw it away and not think of it), I am pretty sure it is from Army. It is written with a green glitter pen that I was in the habit of using around the time when we were together. He is happily married now as well and I am sure he is not thinking of me.

I have thrown it away. It is funny how life changes. He wrote that knowing full well that I would find it one day. He wrote it thinking we would still be together when I did. Not knowing that it would one day come to an end. He was a welcome part of my life at a time when I was broken because the Ex had left. It hurt almost as bad to lose him. He probably doesn't know that.

Why did have to blog about this?? Cuz it was up there...and it had to come out...

Lady S

Attention - Spoilers ahead I will be talking about the book in it's entirety, including the ending, so consider yourself warned.



There are so many conflicting opinions about this book. A lot of people have complained that everything was tied up in a nice neat bow. Gail Gauthier's web site has some very good points on it. She says people have forgotten that these books are romances. That's how romances are; nice wonderful endings that may seem a little too good to be true. Maggie Stiefvater has a pretty good handle on what the fans think. She thinks that we respect writers more when they kill people off ( J.K. Rowling) There were no deaths here, besides the obvious one of Bella's human life.

My take on it:
I loved it!! LOOOOved it. I closed it with a sigh of happiness that all is well in the Cullen household. I finished it in 2 days. I am a crazy fast reader. I did go back and read the last portion again more carefully to get all the details.

I really appreciate that she didn't try to get out of making Bella a vampire. We have all been waiting for it so I am glad it finally happened. I think it was great that Jacob will always be a part of the family. It was agony to read about him and his heartache in previous books so I am glad he will see a happy ending as well. I also liked the way for the first time, she broke the book into parts from another person's point of view. Very important for that portion of the book I think. I think Renesme was a positive addition to the family. A little weird with the whole ripping out of Bella thing, but I can get over that. I do think it was ridiculous that she wasn't a typical newborn vampire. I mean, come one. That was a little too convenient. I also appreciated the lack of death. The one girl vampire that died we didn't really know that well. Plus, her mate had been killed so it was almost like they put her out of her misery. A fight would have been nice, though. A few heart pounding pages of "Oh no someone's going to die!" would have made the book even better.

So do you think it's done? This series? Or will she continue it? Mac thinks she will continue it. Me? Not so much. I think she tied it all up. I mean, we may want to know how Renesme grows up to be with Jacob, but I just don't see another book about it.

Next book up is Into The Fire by Suzanne Brokman. A small confession...I am already half way through it and will prob be done tomorrow. So a review of that coming up next week.

Lady S

Remembering...

I was pregnant on this day 7 years ago. I was teaching in my classroom when our assistant principal came in and whispered the news of what had happened. We gathered outside our classrooms with one foot in the door and our eyes on the kids as we spoke of what was happening.

"There was another plane..."
It was then that I first grasped what was really happening. That this wasn't a random accident. And I also realized that this was not a tiny commercial airplane. That there were hundreds of people on those planes and inside those offices.

"There are people jumping..."
I will never forget the horror I felt as I heard those words. The chill that ran down my spine. What could they be experiencing that was worse than stepping out into nowhere, knowing there was nothing that would catch them?

"The building fell..."
How could the building possibly fall?

"The other building fell..."

"The Pentagon is on fire..."

"There is another plane, but it went down..."
How many more were there??

We had to carry on as though nothing was happening for the kids' sake. We locked down the school and parents began picking up their children. Mine was safe inside me, but I wondered..."What kind of world am I bringing my child into?" I still ask this question today.

We say we will never forget and we won't...but we have to be reminded. We don't go around thinking of this 24/7. We go on about our daily lives and when a plane flies low, we are jerked back to the terror of that day and we wonder just for a second where that plane is headed. And we watch it for a second before we shake it off. We see a bag sitting somewhere that it doesn't really have a reason to be and we wonder for a second if it's a bomb. We stare at it and then shake it off. Because it couldn't really happen...but it did.

Will we ever be able to see a plane without remembering?
I hope not...

Will we ever look at the skyline of NYC without remembering?
I hope not...

I hope not...

Wine - Oh lovely wine

I had a glass of wine tonight. Yummy... And yes, this is news. It has been about a year now since I have had any...ANY!! I was in the middle of IVF last year at this time and I couldn't have any. Oh but I missed it during this year. Both Mac and me had a glass. It was blackberry. It was yummy.

My poor mom thinks I am an alcoholic because I enjoy the taste of alcohol. When she comes over she tsks at the bottles we have that are still full from two years ago. I try to tell her it is when they disappear from visit to visit that she should worry. She's all, "but you're a Christian and you shouldn't" Well, yes I am but I don't see a problem with having, oh, maybe a dozen drinks...a year. I hate the taste of beer. It holds no interest for me what so ever. I enjoy flavored martinis. There is this pear one that is so so yummy!

My ex and I did not drink while we were married. He didn't think it was good so we didn't. So when he left, it didn't take long for me to be introduced into the world of booze by my friends. I sampled around, but mostly didn't like it. There was a great day when my ex walked into my kitchen and saw a bottle on top of my fridge. He stopped and looked at it and then looked at me. He started to sat something then stopped. "What?" I asked. "Nothing" he answered because there was nothing he could say or do about it. Ha! It was a great moment.

I have never been drunk. Tipsy, yes. Almost drunk, yes. The closest I have ever came was at a friend's bachlorette party. She and her sister are gorgeous and so are their friends, so needless to say we were surrounded all night with free drinks. But I can still say I have never been drunk. Hmmm...there was that one time that I threw up, but I had only been drinking for about 30 mins. Does that count? I don't think so. I never got a chance to be drunk that night.

OK, why this post turned into this I don't know but I guess it needed to come out. I recently found out that a friend is reading my family blog along with her little girl, who I used to teach. I can't very well talk about this now can I?? Another fantastic reason for starting this blog.

Lady S

Why I Hate Money Sometimes

PERFECT example of why I need this blog! So I can blog about my neighbor! They are wonderful people. Very caring and selfless. They stepped in and did so much when I was pregnant and after the girls came.

Our kids are in school together and last year they paid me to go pick their little girl up and have her stay with us after school. It was usually about an hour and a half or so but could be up to 3 hours. There were also times when she would just go home. But they paid me consistently because they figured they would be paying someone for after school care, why not me?

A little back ground of the little girl first. I love her. She is a wonderful little girl...most of the time. But like all kids they tend to get on your nerves if they are not your own. And I was with her everyday...while pregnant and hormonal. But I was fine with it because I felt like it was my responsibility as her "baby sitter" to just deal with it. Plus, she did keep mine occupied sometimes...when she wasn't wanting to hang around me.

So this year they have stepped in to take mine to school every morning so I don't have to get the girls out. Plus, the two of them ride the bus home, so the situation is different, but she is still here for the same amount of time every day. I still felt like her after school care had not changed.

OK, so the 2nd week of school just passed with no check. And I knew we hadn't talked about the money situation before school started and my heart just sank. Because I knew there was going to be trouble at the most and uncomfortableness at the least. I wish I could say that I could just keep her every day for free, but truthfully there were some days that money kept me from going insane with the extra noise and stuff. I would remind myself that this was my job and I would just deal with it. She never knew when I was irritated. This year is going to be worse in some ways because I have 2 new ones to try to care for on top of having two older ones to listen to. You know the whole, "we're bored with nothing to do " thing.

So I worried and fretted and practiced what I would say to my neighbor. I finally said something to her on Friday and she thought that since they were taking mine to school it all evened out. I am not sure why ten minutes equals and hour and a half. But she said she would talk to her husband. I told her that if it needed to be less this year that I understood since they were taking him to school. But I could tell it bothered her.

She just came over and talked with me. She said that she felt like it was more of neighbors helping each other out. I told her that in this small area it was business, just like if we asked her older daughter to babysit, we would pay her for her time. She talked of just putting her into other after school care, but dang people, I need the money.

But how do you tell someone that you don't mind watching their kid as long as your getting paid. You know?? Of course, I started crying like the big ninny I am. I hate that about me. We finally settled on the same amount as last year, but I don't feel good about it. She said she feels uncomfortable now. I hate that, too.

She also said she feels like they think of us as better friends than we do. Ouch!! That hurt because I know we haven't done nearly what they have done to help us out, but our lives are a little all consuming right now. Plus, we are kinda home bodies. We are not ones to go to our neighbors and knock on the door to hang out for awhile. We think of them as good friends but I guess the levels are different.

I just feel awful about the whole thing and wish that we had worked out everything in the summer.

So now you know.

Lady S

First Post

Well, here I am...trying to be more than a mommy. I have a family blog, but this one is just for me. To express things I can't in real life.

Here we go...

Lady S