Thoughts on my Divorce : Part 3

At first I hated his new girlfriend. How dare he pick someone nice? How dare she be with him? Why is she good enough, but I wasn't?? Then as I got to know her, I started to like her. She is actually so so great to MM and I know that she is why he gets him more often. I tried to give her the credit one time, but he acted all insulted that I was saying he never got him before...asshole. I like her. I really really do. I think she is great for MM and may be good for the Ex. He is still a lier. He even admitted to me that he lies to her...stupid loser. Which bothers me because I know he has lied to her about our past and I wonder how she feels about me. Stupid, I know. But I wonder if he has told her that I kicked him out and never let him see MM? That I was the reason he never saw him or he told her he did see him a lot? I wonder if she knows the truth about our marriage and the truth about us.

OK, here comes the whiny part...

~It is not fair that he lives in a big huge house that is hers.
~It is not fair that they can go all over the world to travel.
~It is not fair that MM does not remember how great Mac was to him and how utterly crappy his dad was to him. He sometimes resents Mac for being here instead of his dad. And dang if I can't tell him his dad is an asshole who left us.
~It is not fair that I have poured myself into the first 5 years of MM's life all by myself and now that he is aware, his dad gets part of the credit.

Can't he have some suffering please?? I mean, is that too much too ask??

And most of all...
~It is not fair that they are taking MM to Disney this January.
This is a rite of passage for a child. Mac and I should be the ones to take him. We are broken hearted but for MM's sake, we are letting him go because...well...it's Disney. Who says no to Disney?

And on a totally different level of pain that started this whole rant...
~It is not fair that they got pregnant in 2 months when Mac and I had to go through IVF.

What happened to no more kids? Why is he ready to be a dad to this child but couldn't be there for me and MM?

I really am in a better place now and I am so much happier with Mac than I could have ever been with the Ex, but this hurts. Why does he get to start over? With the perfect family?

Ugh!! It brings out all the hate that I feel toward him that I haven't felt in a long time. I am mostly indifferent toward him, but this has really gotten to me. I don't want MM to have any siblings that are not tied to me. I don't want him to love them more than us. It is all fun and games over there. It is true life here with bedtimes, homework, discipline and everyday crap.

I came from an upbringing of zero divorce...zero step-parents, step-siblings, step-anything. No one in my family had ever been divorced. It has truly rocked me to my core and I hate it.

I've got to stop now. I can't let this get to me. It has helped a little to get it out but also made it a little more real. It is just so raw. Hopefully now I can start to get over it.

Lady S