A huge puzzle piece

Have you ever had a moment in your life when a huge piece of your past just slipped into place? Like a huge missing piece of the puzzle just ::snick:: fell into the hole?

My brother is 4 1/2 years older than I am. To say we are not close is an understatement. In fact, he was just plain mean to me growing up. I know what you are thinking. "All big brothers are mean," No, no you don't get it. He was no big brother to me. There was no protective air about him towards me, just a loathing I never understood. He was just...not there. And when he was there, he was cruel. Because of this we hardly ever talk now. It is pretty awkward at family gatherings when everyone hugs each other but us. We are civil, but that's about it. We just have never seen eye to eye on anything.

I got a call from him the other night. He started off by saying that he needed to say something. That he knew it was bad between us and he needed to tell me why. He said he often chickened out when we were together and could never catch me alone. So he began to tell me some things. He told me that when we were little and we would be playing, my mom would come in and ask us what we were doing. All the time. When we would say nothing or playing, she would send him off to do chores, like clean his room. All the time. Every time we would play together. I vaguely remember this. He also said that when we were super little like 2 and 6, we got into the mud so he put us both into the shower so we would not get in trouble. He got in major trouble for that one. He didn't understand why. Our parents were very strict with us. We got in trouble a whole lot for things that were no big deal or that were accidents. He soon realized when he was about 8 that our parents did not want him around me. I would have been 4 and just starting to get to the age when I was aware of things and I remember things about that time now. He realized that every time he came around me he would either get in trouble or have to do chores. He didn't understand why but he did know he didn't want to be in trouble all the time. So he just gave up on me. He gave up playing with me, getting to know me, he just gave up.

I never knew any of this. I always wondered what I had done to make him hate me so. It was a constant thought in the corners of my mind. I thought maybe he was mad because I was born.

It was only years later when we were teenagers that we found out my mom was sexually abused by her brother. It didn't mean much to me, but it totally made it all make sense to my brother. By that time, it was too late. We were both a far cry from the kids we were.

So he called me to tell me this...to explain why things were that way when we were little...to explain that I did nothing wrong...that it was not my fault things were so bad between us.

And a huge gaping hole just closed up tight. A huge piece of my childhood fell into place. A gushing wound was stopped. I don't think he will ever understand what a difference this has made in my life. What a quiet I have in those corners of my mind, they hum with peace and understanding now.

It has made all the difference between us.

I finally have a big brother...31 years later.

Lady S