Thoughts on my Divorce : Part 2

I remember when she said those words to me that I paced around my apartment. She was sending him over to me to talk and I was so ready.

I welcomed him back with open arms, but my heart was not so open. I was cautious, as I should have been. He said he was sorry and we tried to move forward. We moved into a rent house for a fresh start. He took on half the bills. Promised he would never ever left us again, but there were so many obstacles in our path.

1. He wanted to wipe out the last year and a half and start from when he left. It just wasn't that simple. He was trying to put a band-aid on a broken leg.

2. I was a different person. The life we were leading was not good enough for me anymore. I wanted a true partner in love and life, including finances. I had tasted a little bit of what I wanted in a life partner and was no longer willing to settle.

3. There was no true repentance from him. If it was me I would have been asking him every day what I could do to help him to trust me, to believe in me, to believe in us again. He truly thought I should just get over it and start fresh.

4. Old habits die hard
He continued to lie to me...a lot. About stupid things and not so stupid things.
And I started to doubt him, question him, and check up on him.

5. And the nail in the coffin...I had dated someone very close to him...secretly...behind his back for 9 months. He just couldn't get over it.

But we tried...we so so tried...but as much as we both wanted it to work...for us...for MM...it was just too far gone. There would have been some major work ahead of us. I was willing, he was not. We made it 4 months before he decided once again to leave. This time I knew that it was for the best but it still hurt like hell. In many ways it was worse than the first time. The thing was I was not happy. But I would have stayed. I would have given up my own happiness to have us together. Probably not the right choice, but I would have swam across the deepest of oceans to keep my family together.

I hated being a statistic. I hated that my son was going to have to be shared between us. I hated that I would have a different last name than MM. I hated everything about it.

After he left I found out that he did not pay his half of his bills like he said he would. I also moved into this house with him to start fresh; a house I could not afford on my own. We had been in it maybe a month when he left. Our landlord dropped the price so I could stay. I gave him months to get his stuff out and he never did, so I sold it on Ebay to cover the bills. It was the only way I made it through.

In the 3 years since then I have found out some surprising things about him. He doesn't want to be a dad to my son. He wants to be a big brother. You know that program Big Brothers and Big Sisters? Yeah, that's him. He gets him when it is convenient for him. Months would go by between visits and phone calls. He never had to be a parent to him. Never had to clean up throw up or diarrhea or sickness of any kind, never had to deal with taking his pacifier away or potty training or bad dreams or temper tantrums or any parenting things. I am just glad MM was too young to notice. He would probably be shocked at these words. I am sure he paints a totally different picture of things.

That's another thing I found out. He is a pathological lier. He can't not lie! It is just in there somehow. See, I still spoke to his mom and family so they knew the truth and when he was lying to them about me. I hate lying...HATE IT!! He would lie so many times to make himself look better than he is...hate that about him...to this day he still does it.

There were a few girlfriends along the way, in which he would be better about getting him. I guess so he could portray himself to be a better dad. I liked all of them ok. Why? because they were so not like me...one was mousy and oh so quiet...one was an all out 10 year younger hoe (ho?)...one was a little like me but he cheated on her with the ho so that ended before it got serious. During this time he told me he didn't want more kids. That he was selfich and needed time for himself. Ummm, you think?

Then came the current one. Who is nice, beautiful, rich, and...well...wonderful.

To Be Continued...