A huge puzzle piece

Have you ever had a moment in your life when a huge piece of your past just slipped into place? Like a huge missing piece of the puzzle just ::snick:: fell into the hole?

My brother is 4 1/2 years older than I am. To say we are not close is an understatement. In fact, he was just plain mean to me growing up. I know what you are thinking. "All big brothers are mean," No, no you don't get it. He was no big brother to me. There was no protective air about him towards me, just a loathing I never understood. He was just...not there. And when he was there, he was cruel. Because of this we hardly ever talk now. It is pretty awkward at family gatherings when everyone hugs each other but us. We are civil, but that's about it. We just have never seen eye to eye on anything.

I got a call from him the other night. He started off by saying that he needed to say something. That he knew it was bad between us and he needed to tell me why. He said he often chickened out when we were together and could never catch me alone. So he began to tell me some things. He told me that when we were little and we would be playing, my mom would come in and ask us what we were doing. All the time. When we would say nothing or playing, she would send him off to do chores, like clean his room. All the time. Every time we would play together. I vaguely remember this. He also said that when we were super little like 2 and 6, we got into the mud so he put us both into the shower so we would not get in trouble. He got in major trouble for that one. He didn't understand why. Our parents were very strict with us. We got in trouble a whole lot for things that were no big deal or that were accidents. He soon realized when he was about 8 that our parents did not want him around me. I would have been 4 and just starting to get to the age when I was aware of things and I remember things about that time now. He realized that every time he came around me he would either get in trouble or have to do chores. He didn't understand why but he did know he didn't want to be in trouble all the time. So he just gave up on me. He gave up playing with me, getting to know me, he just gave up.

I never knew any of this. I always wondered what I had done to make him hate me so. It was a constant thought in the corners of my mind. I thought maybe he was mad because I was born.

It was only years later when we were teenagers that we found out my mom was sexually abused by her brother. It didn't mean much to me, but it totally made it all make sense to my brother. By that time, it was too late. We were both a far cry from the kids we were.

So he called me to tell me this...to explain why things were that way when we were little...to explain that I did nothing wrong...that it was not my fault things were so bad between us.

And a huge gaping hole just closed up tight. A huge piece of my childhood fell into place. A gushing wound was stopped. I don't think he will ever understand what a difference this has made in my life. What a quiet I have in those corners of my mind, they hum with peace and understanding now.

It has made all the difference between us.

I finally have a big brother...31 years later.

Lady S

Thoughts on my Divorce : Part 3

At first I hated his new girlfriend. How dare he pick someone nice? How dare she be with him? Why is she good enough, but I wasn't?? Then as I got to know her, I started to like her. She is actually so so great to MM and I know that she is why he gets him more often. I tried to give her the credit one time, but he acted all insulted that I was saying he never got him before...asshole. I like her. I really really do. I think she is great for MM and may be good for the Ex. He is still a lier. He even admitted to me that he lies to her...stupid loser. Which bothers me because I know he has lied to her about our past and I wonder how she feels about me. Stupid, I know. But I wonder if he has told her that I kicked him out and never let him see MM? That I was the reason he never saw him or he told her he did see him a lot? I wonder if she knows the truth about our marriage and the truth about us.

OK, here comes the whiny part...

~It is not fair that he lives in a big huge house that is hers.
~It is not fair that they can go all over the world to travel.
~It is not fair that MM does not remember how great Mac was to him and how utterly crappy his dad was to him. He sometimes resents Mac for being here instead of his dad. And dang if I can't tell him his dad is an asshole who left us.
~It is not fair that I have poured myself into the first 5 years of MM's life all by myself and now that he is aware, his dad gets part of the credit.

Can't he have some suffering please?? I mean, is that too much too ask??

And most of all...
~It is not fair that they are taking MM to Disney this January.
This is a rite of passage for a child. Mac and I should be the ones to take him. We are broken hearted but for MM's sake, we are letting him go because...well...it's Disney. Who says no to Disney?

And on a totally different level of pain that started this whole rant...
~It is not fair that they got pregnant in 2 months when Mac and I had to go through IVF.

What happened to no more kids? Why is he ready to be a dad to this child but couldn't be there for me and MM?

I really am in a better place now and I am so much happier with Mac than I could have ever been with the Ex, but this hurts. Why does he get to start over? With the perfect family?

Ugh!! It brings out all the hate that I feel toward him that I haven't felt in a long time. I am mostly indifferent toward him, but this has really gotten to me. I don't want MM to have any siblings that are not tied to me. I don't want him to love them more than us. It is all fun and games over there. It is true life here with bedtimes, homework, discipline and everyday crap.

I came from an upbringing of zero divorce...zero step-parents, step-siblings, step-anything. No one in my family had ever been divorced. It has truly rocked me to my core and I hate it.

I've got to stop now. I can't let this get to me. It has helped a little to get it out but also made it a little more real. It is just so raw. Hopefully now I can start to get over it.

Lady S

Thoughts on my Divorce : Part 2

I remember when she said those words to me that I paced around my apartment. She was sending him over to me to talk and I was so ready.

I welcomed him back with open arms, but my heart was not so open. I was cautious, as I should have been. He said he was sorry and we tried to move forward. We moved into a rent house for a fresh start. He took on half the bills. Promised he would never ever left us again, but there were so many obstacles in our path.

1. He wanted to wipe out the last year and a half and start from when he left. It just wasn't that simple. He was trying to put a band-aid on a broken leg.

2. I was a different person. The life we were leading was not good enough for me anymore. I wanted a true partner in love and life, including finances. I had tasted a little bit of what I wanted in a life partner and was no longer willing to settle.

3. There was no true repentance from him. If it was me I would have been asking him every day what I could do to help him to trust me, to believe in me, to believe in us again. He truly thought I should just get over it and start fresh.

4. Old habits die hard
He continued to lie to me...a lot. About stupid things and not so stupid things.
And I started to doubt him, question him, and check up on him.

5. And the nail in the coffin...I had dated someone very close to him...secretly...behind his back for 9 months. He just couldn't get over it.

But we tried...we so so tried...but as much as we both wanted it to work...for us...for MM...it was just too far gone. There would have been some major work ahead of us. I was willing, he was not. We made it 4 months before he decided once again to leave. This time I knew that it was for the best but it still hurt like hell. In many ways it was worse than the first time. The thing was I was not happy. But I would have stayed. I would have given up my own happiness to have us together. Probably not the right choice, but I would have swam across the deepest of oceans to keep my family together.

I hated being a statistic. I hated that my son was going to have to be shared between us. I hated that I would have a different last name than MM. I hated everything about it.

After he left I found out that he did not pay his half of his bills like he said he would. I also moved into this house with him to start fresh; a house I could not afford on my own. We had been in it maybe a month when he left. Our landlord dropped the price so I could stay. I gave him months to get his stuff out and he never did, so I sold it on Ebay to cover the bills. It was the only way I made it through.

In the 3 years since then I have found out some surprising things about him. He doesn't want to be a dad to my son. He wants to be a big brother. You know that program Big Brothers and Big Sisters? Yeah, that's him. He gets him when it is convenient for him. Months would go by between visits and phone calls. He never had to be a parent to him. Never had to clean up throw up or diarrhea or sickness of any kind, never had to deal with taking his pacifier away or potty training or bad dreams or temper tantrums or any parenting things. I am just glad MM was too young to notice. He would probably be shocked at these words. I am sure he paints a totally different picture of things.

That's another thing I found out. He is a pathological lier. He can't not lie! It is just in there somehow. See, I still spoke to his mom and family so they knew the truth and when he was lying to them about me. I hate lying...HATE IT!! He would lie so many times to make himself look better than he is...hate that about him...to this day he still does it.

There were a few girlfriends along the way, in which he would be better about getting him. I guess so he could portray himself to be a better dad. I liked all of them ok. Why? because they were so not like me...one was mousy and oh so quiet...one was an all out 10 year younger hoe (ho?)...one was a little like me but he cheated on her with the ho so that ended before it got serious. During this time he told me he didn't want more kids. That he was selfich and needed time for himself. Ummm, you think?

Then came the current one. Who is nice, beautiful, rich, and...well...wonderful.

To Be Continued...

Thoughts on my divorce

I started this blog for me. I have neglected it, just as I feel I am neglecting myself right now, but what do you do when you have 3 kids, two of whom are 6 month old twins?? a house to care for, a budget to worry over, and a husband to pamper because he is just the most wonderful thing ever...I think that I need to come here and write what I am feeling but then I worry that I am sounding whiny. Well...I may just come across that way for awhile. It is not what I want to end up being but maybe what I need right now. There will be random posts of random things coming out randomly from my random brain. Got that?

I have started this post a thousand times. I hate that I even need to speak of it, but I need to get it out. It's going to be long...

My ex...
ex what??
ex-husband
ex-love
ex-friend
my ex-world got married in October and his wife is pregnant...

He has been gone since Motor Mouth was 8 months old. He left half way through our 7th year of marriage. We were the couple that everyone envied. All my friends thought I had the best husband ever...and so did I. Sure, things weren't perfect but nothing is, right? The thing about it was...I married for forever. Period. End of story. In all of our years of marriage we never even uttered the word divorce until I asked him the morning he left if he wanted one, to which he replied, "I don't know." But he did. He knew it was over. I didn't. Not by a long shot.

We had decided after MM was born to move in with my parents and pay off bills for a year so we could get a house. Things were very stressful that year; living with my parents, an infant, both of us driving 60 miles to work 1 way every day. But I thought it was just one of those rough years you make it through and come out the other side stronger. Yeah no, not so much. I thought nothing could tear us apart. We were going to make it.

When he left that morning in January, my world fell from beneath me. It left me completely, utterly falling into space. This was not supposed to happen to us...not to us. My love...was telling me he didn't want me anymore. The one who knew me best, every fault, every flaw, every fiber of my being, was rejecting me. Was telling me that he no longer wanted to be married to me. No longer wanted our famliy...no longer wanted our hopes and dreams...no longer wanted our little girl we had planned for next...no longer wanted me.

Surprisingly, I was strong through it all. I felt like I had to be. Everyone around us was devastated; my family who looked at him like a son and brother, his family who was losing me, our friends who so often asked us for relationship advice, my friends who loved him...they were all in utter shock at what was happening before our eyes. Sure, they saw my sadness, my mouth that no longer laughed, my eyes that would fill with tears way too easily, my body as I literally melted before them by losing 50 pounds in a few months. But they never heard the gut wrenching sobs that would overtake me as I lay in my now cold bed reaching toward his empty pillow. I felt like he had died and I often wonder if it would have been easier if he did.

He never could give me a straight answer why it didn't work. It's my fault, of course. I treated him like a child. Which I am sure I did...since he acted like one much of the time. I had to be the grown-up in the relationship. I took care of the bills, the cars, the business side of everything, plus all the housework. I often felt like his mom, so I am sure I treated him as such. But we could have worked through it. The day he left was the first time I realized just how seriously unhappy he was. Too little too late. Could I have done things differently?? Sure, but who knows if it would have been enough. He had quit on the marriage long before he left. He was a pretty good actor, I will give him that. He was having an affair with a co-worker which he lied to me about even after he left. In fact, I found out a wealth of lies that he told during that time. So much that I stopped believing anything he said to me.

I got over it...it was tough for a long time, but I went to counseling and had a wealth of friends to support me. I moved out on my own shortly after he left and began my new life. After 4 months, I filed for divorce and we signed our papers on our 8th anniversary. Hah!! Talk about weird. But I moved on. I healed. I still mourned for the death of my dreams of a perfect family. But for the most part I had accepted this new phase of my life.


Then a year and a half after he left I got a phone call from a close friend of both me and my ex. I will never forget those words she said, "Your Ex just walked in and said that he made the biggest mistake of his life."

To Be Continued
because it is 12:30 a.m.